new day:)20.sep.25

Dear Diary,

Yep, I missed about three days' worth of journal entries...But! Just to quickly catch up on things:

• I finished the topical past year questions for add math integration (I'm still so happy about this)
• I implemented the mp3 player designed by des into my online safe space! (yes, this is a new update too; I coded an internet safe space. I've wanted to do this for a while because for some reason, random crisis lines and their numbers kept floating around in my mind and it's not like I'm listing them down so I might call one day, in fact, I probably would NEVER call a crisis line (god bless), I just needed them off my mind!). Speaking of the mp3 player, oh man it was such a hassle to change everything to the exact pink I wanted. and I also added a new function to switch between playlists (not my code, I can't code js yet unfortunately...), but hey! I can switch between playlists now with identical UI :))
• I wrote a new private blog post reusing Lenni Kim's quote from his first ever single. don't know the exact name, but it was released in the name of suicide prevention/awareness or something, and the quote I used was the first line in the entire song where the little boy goes, "this idea of taking my own life". Anyway, as I was writing that, I recalled the book analogy again from when I was nine and reading that book about Princess Anne? Like it was this spinoff story where Cinderella was the younger, prettier, more girly princess and her older sister Anne, crowned princess and next in line to the throne was more rugged with freckles and loved adventure. Yeah, well, I recalled I didn't want to finish reading the book and wanted a way for everything tat happened next to somehow enter my mind, for me to obtain that knowledge without sitting through the entire book (Full blog post here)
• I also coded a website for Niko! Well, it's actually a bit recycled from my online safe space (ok I just remembered to mention that I also coded a little warning sign at the top right/bottom right of each webpage that redirects to that safe space; the idea came because it was the middle of the night and I was actually terrified, so I thought, ok, I can just go to that safe space, but it took too long, so I thought, ok I need to code a precautionary measure to calm myself down), but I had this idea of creating a button that randomly generates a compliment form a list of compliments, and since I did it for myself, I thought, I could do it for Niko too, so I did! There are currently pretty limited compliments there, but eh, it's the thought that counts, right?
• I also finished watching Lecture 2 of the Human Brain (9.13 MIT)! Learnt some neuroanatomy and I found out I actually really like neuroscience?? I mean, I've always known as a kid that the brain was the aspect of biology I was most interested about, but recently this year, somehow, I've been trying to convince myself that I don't like any aspect of bio at all, which is just not true. I think this partially came from the fact that I unconsciously felt like an anomaly within my school? Everyone always had something about academics to complain about, it seemed, and I remembered how being unrelatable caused me to be ostracised when I was younger (I say that like I'm not still ostracised now, lol...), and I felt like it was wrong to like everything because that's what everyone had been implying. They complain about memorisation, or complexity, but I love both, and am good at both, so now I really don't want to stifle it anymore. I did come to this realisation earlier, around last year about how being "humble" and downplaying myself was tearing away at my self-confidence, especially my confidence in my mind and thoughts, and also chipping away at my usual ever-flwoing passion for learning, so then at that point I thought, "I shouldn't water myself down just to make friends, I'd ratehr be alone.". But ha ha, Kayshef came, then Niko, and down the drain that notion went. I've really been upholding it this year, though, it was just the moment with bio taht I didn't, and actually, as I said, "I love all the sciences, but bio..." while laughing to a teacher (I think it was Teacher Lam?), I felt this sinking feeling/thought that said, "why are you lying? who are you trying to convince? yourself or others?". So yeah, there's that!
• I've still been crying every day...Usually I look to see if the three main requirements are fulfilled (water, sleep, exercise), and honestly, I only got exercise out of the three, so it made sense why I would be upset. Like, just this morning I was shaking for some reaosn. It wasn't cold, but it felt like my muscles were convulsing and like I was being suffocated.

Whew, okay, that about sums up most of the updates.

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