Cette Idée18.sep.25

Dear Audience,

« Papa, Maman, jour après jour, j’ai cette idée coincée en tête. Cette idée qui me fait remettre beaucoup de choses en question : mes amis, ma famille, mon passé, mon futur... Cette idée qui pourrait m’aider à échapper de tous mes problèmes, de tout ce que je pourrais devenir et de tout ce que je deviendrai jamais. Cette idée que certaines personnes envisagent et d’autres n’envisageront jamais.

This idea of taking my own life.

It doesn't stem from not wanting to live, nor does it stem from wanting to die. I simply don't wish to grow old. In retrospect, I have my future laid out in front of me very clearly: what college I must get into by 19, the level of financial stability I might have by 25, and the world in peace by 30.

But it's as if I don't want to live until that future. I don't want to be here by 19, or 25, or 30; I want the future to come to me, not me to it. I want all my future selves with all their wisdom and grace to meld onto my being, for us to become one, without me having to prolong my life.

I can end my life now, it seems. I don't want to live that long. If only my future selves and I could all become one, then I need not unnecessarily prolong my life, unnecessarily prolong war. Sun Tzu's The Art of War, chapter 2: Waging War, rule 19: Let your main focus be on victory, not in lengthy campaigns.

This is merely ancient knowledge.

How did this idea even come about? you might ask. So let me tell you a story:

I’ve been thinking, I don’t want to grow up. It’s like I’ve been wanting to be 16 for so long that I can’t just let it go. Actually, I wanted to be 16 so much that I started calling myself 16 even while I was 15 to prolong the age. When I was 9, I read a book. What it’s about doesn’t matter. But I’ve read until a round the middle and thought, “I don’t want to continue reading this book.” It’s not because it’s uninteresting, or bad. It was actually very interesting. I wanted to know everything that happened next and the ending, but I just didn’t want to read the book anymore.

That wasn't really a story, but it's as if life is a little like that book, and I feel a little as if I were 9 again.