my mom is lowk crazy16.sep.25 
Dear Diary,
I don't know where to start today, so I guess I'll start with the fact that I just yelled. Hey, my mom knocked twice and didn't even think to listen to my response before barging in on me typing up that line, mid-sentence and startled and also emotionally dysregulated, what did you expect I possibly do? As you can imagine, I feel very angry. That feels reductive, honestly. But since we're here, let's talk about what's on my mind currently: my mom's overuse of generative ai.
You might be thinking, hey! That's old news, and I agree, but because I was playing the naive, sweet, playful child in front of her who just wanted to watch a silly cartoon (Miraculous Ladybug: The Awakening Movie), I inadvertently got access to her iPad, because I knew:
- She does not have the attention span to sit through a whole 2 hours with me to watch a good movie
- She'll find any excuse she can to leave the scene immediately
Pair those two, and voila, unattended access to her iPad, where I conveniently saw her GPT and DeepSeek chats. It's fucking bizarre, I'm telling you, and I don't swear lightly. What struck me thoe most was that she needed OpenAi to draft a message to me. Her daughter. She needed ai to send ALL her text messages. ALL her messages are drafted by ai. What's also striking is that she used it to talk about my mental health and her "observations of me", which are basically just watered down sentences of what she's assumed or heard from third parties.
Tbh, I don't even care that she's doing this, it's not new to me, but she was using it not just to talk but to formulate a DIAGNOSIS for my mental state, and being her gullible self, she just internalised that I have OCPD and BPD which honestly are so off the mark to me, and even if they weren't, the point of a diagnosis is to help with treatment formulation, not for your mindless labelling of me just to feel in control? Why not just...idk, CONSULT MY CLINICIAN?!
Okay, yeah, just needed to get that out there.
On the other handd I seriously didn't notice that today was a public holiday! That's why I was waching Miraculous hehe (I still feel guilty for not doing anything even remotely productive today, though...IGCSEs are SO CLOSE. I can do it, I can do it!!), and did I mention that I love Lou? Cuz I love Lou! 𝄞 Her voice is actually SO GOOD. But after becoming a (very recent) Lenni Kim fan, I honestly can't listen to my fav miraculous movie track, Plus Fort Ensemble the same anymore, with the knowledge that Elliot was the one who sang and not Lenni :( Not that it really matters, but it's a sad detail, especially seeing how Lou and Lenni loved working together for Ce Mur Qui Nous Separe, and I like to imagine that it's actually Lenni singing.
Also a little update on my sleep schedule, I did not sleep again last night, but I stayed awake until 2p.m., where I crashed until 12a.m., and I'm planning on sleeping tonight to FINALLY reflip my sleep schedule so that's good! And also, while I didn't do much that might be considered productive academically (except the fact that I watched the first lecture for the course "The Human Brain" by Nancy Kanwisher from MIT OCW), I did workout! Not my usual 2-3km run, but really fun and silly full body workouts and I feel good about them cuz I'm REALLY feeling the burn now 
!
Wait, actually, speaking of my sleep schedule, I honestly have no idea how I ended up sleeping in my mind because I remember I was listening to a wl subliminal by my desk and closed my eyes, and I saw that I listened to it fully when I reopened my laptop after waking up, but I swear I did NOT go to bed?? On a lighter note, I dreamt of playing Exploding KIttens w/ my therapist :) (Read the context here.)
Also, before I listened to the wl subliminal, I was listening to melacholie by Lenni Kim on repeat and I saw birds form outside my window and I started crying somehow. My logical mind went, "ok, my hormones are probably just out of whack right now cuz I didn't sleep last night" but simultaneously, I did feel sad somehow, and I don't know why. I saw the birds stand on the overhead electrical cables and suddenly I remembered reading about why birds are able to stand on those cables unharmed, but also, this thought, "be safe" kept repeating in my head and I was afraid they would get hurt. The three birds stared at me as I cried but eventually flew away. I saw it as them trying to comfort me.
Anyway, I should really head to sleep now, it's currently 2.15a.m., but I wanna refine my videos archive a little bit more first before I do.
Kissed my teddies goodnight and I decided on not adding the toggle sidebar function to my videos archive page :) Goodnight!