disoriented yet alive13.sep.25

Dear Diary,

Continuing on from my last entry, I currently have ~537 words left to read for Chapter 6 of CS, and also need to finish up display_board() and create_board() functions (PLUS print_chessboard.py assignment ), and I need to finish it all by 2p.m. today! (currently 6.49a.m.)

Side note I just heard a random high-pitched bird chirp, like literally just one. Haven't heard them in months 😭 OK THERE'S MORE THAN ONE NOW ok I should focus on my work gbye!

START Log - 7.48a.m.

Wooo okay I'm mostly done with Chapter 6 (I started 10min ago lol)! I'm going to type out everything I remember here into a blockquote just to make sure...

Stuff I missed

Definition of automation: Can perform actions without needing human input intervention
Part 1: Automated Systems
Advantages:

• Efficiency/productivity/accuracy/safety inc
• Cosnistent results
• Reduced labour costs
• Collect large amounts of data quickly

Disadvantages: (same for robotics)

• High initial cost
• High maintenance cost
• Possible unemployment
• Lack flexibility
• Possible deskilling

Part 2: Robotics
Definition: Design, construction, operation of robots to perform tasks
Three components:

• Mechanical structure/framework
• Electrical components (sensors, microprocessors, actuators)
• Programable

Adavantages/disadavantages same as automated systems :)
Part 3: Artificial Intelligence (AI)
Definition: Simulation of intelligent behaviours
Characteristics

• Collection of data and rules
• Ability to reason
• Ability to learn and adapt

Four components: of Expert Systems

• Knowledge base: set of data/facts
• Rule base: set of rules to be applied to facts in knowledge base
• Interference engine: applies rules in rule base to facts in knowledge base
• Interface: allows user to give input

Machine Learning:
Definition: program automatically adapts own processes/data without being explicitly programmed

• Collects data
• Store successful/unsuccessful actions
• ML algorithms analyse data + identify patterns/relationships

Was that completely unnecessary? Yes. Was that fun as hell? Also yes!! At this point I think I'm just putting off ACTUALLY coding for as long as possible... Anyway, the fatigue is really starting to kick in, I'm ngl. Crying every day does smth to ur eyes man u don't get it.

START Log - 4p.m.

START Log - 7.36p.m.

Soo I went in for my therapy session at around 4.10p.m. , left at around 5.35p.m. AND the session started out good imo, he was on his laptop instead of his phone for once and then he asked generic things like “did you go to school at all this week?” And I said no and that I wanted to go yesterday but the night before yesterday, at 10pm I told myself I was going to sleep by 12am to go to school the next day but it was already 4am and I thought I’m scared to sleep but even if I overcame that fear and slept now, … (The night where I cried for 6 hours, yeah I basically described it to him without telling him about the crying. Read about it here).

And he also asked if I felt upset any moment of the week and I said yes and he asked what happened and I said nothing and he said so upset for no reason again? And I said yes.

And then afterwards he asked about my mom and whether I noticed she’s unsatisfied with my therapy progress based on what she said last week, and I said:

• I think she’s trying to convince herself that she’s being a good parent by searching for external sources and applying them meaninglessly to me without looking at me as a true individual
• I think she’s projecting who she was or is onto me and choosing to believe we are the same without seeking the nuance in my person
• I know what her view of me is and that it’s not me because I playact this image in front of her and show her the child she wishes to see to an extent and my therapist said, “so, masking?” And I said yeah
• I also spoke about how my relationship with her is hot and cold like I told my therapist in an earlier session and said there’s the good and bad but it’s a constant cycle of bad to good and bad again and I used to always hope for the good until a certain threshold of bad is met, I begin to not want to hope for good and to just assume bad will happen again but the hope somehow always comes back and my therapist was like, “first of all, it’s very human to hold hope for our parents because they are people who are important to us, but I also see that it’s very sad that to a certain point you don’t want to feel hope at all.”

Therapist: “What’s an example of the disappointments from your mom?”
Me: “I’ve told you before.”
Therapist: “Yes, but I’m wondering if there’s more.”
Me: “What do you remember?”
Therapist: “What stood out to me most is the way your mom compares you to your two half siblings and always wanting you to be like them or better than them.”

And then he asked for another example of there’s a better representation of it so I said I told you before, and I can’t say it again.

Therapist: “Can you give me a hint?”
Me: “I wrote it down, and you have the paper.”

So he found the page in his notes and noted it was the incident where my mom threw a box cutter at me when I was ten and he asked if that was it and I said yes and he said, “we never talked about this, that’s why I didn’t have an impression of this…”

The day I wrote it down, he said he would revisit the next week but we just never spoke of it at all, and so this week;

Therapist: “Can we talk about it now?”
Me: “Last week, you told me to write or record my philosophy. I wrote it down and I brought the paper.”

And then he asked if it was connected to the box cutter incident or if it was the same thing and I said no so I showed him the “emotional philosophy” (Read it here).

Man couldn’t pronounce the word cyclical. CYCLICAL. He was like, “cyclinical? Cynical?” And then I laughed and said, “cyclical” n he was laughing at himself LMFAO. Anyway he was like “there are a lot of question marks in my brain right now on how this connects to your constant fear, like I see the urgency, the need to complete the goal, fear that you can’t achieve it, but…”

I can’t explain what I’m afraid of, I don’t know why I’m even afraid or where it came from.

Also, he used the analogy of “that’s kind of like a superhero, isn’t it? I get that, I think it’s very good, very noble that you want to achieve this, but I don’t understand…”

“I need some time to digest this, I’m going to read it a few more times over the week…”

So yep! THAT was my therapy session. Actually, when I first walked in, I saw exploding kittens (the board game) on his table and I honestly was hoping MAYBE we’d play it and I would get to be a normal teenager for once but nope… Kind of sad about it honestly , I never properly played the game before, and the first time I ever did was in Grade 8 when Jren brought the game to school, but everyone wanted to play it and I didn’t have a spot.

Bro I'm eating these eggettes / egg waffles (had to search the term up...), and I honestly feel my appetite slowly disintegrating to nothing. Actually, the more I eat, the more nauseous I'm feeling right now. It's not that they're bad, the ones I'm eating right now aren't from Eggette Labs or professionally made, but they have kaya filling, and it theorectically SHOULD taste good. I just feel sick right now.

START Log - 9.42p.m.

I was listening to some miraculous songs out of impulse earlier ^^ At first it started with the yt notification that said Tiney-something liked my comment that I made a while back on their piano cover of War of Hearts - Ruelle, and I actually did email them for the sheet music! And they ACTUALLY sent it to me! I haven't been playing piano for a while now, which I honestly really miss, but it's alright! I'll continue playing intensively + my regular lessons after exams :) Anyway, I was listening to Ce Mur Qui Nous Separe specifically, and analysed the pronunciation + learnt some new French vocab!

Oh yeah! Also, as soon as I entered my room after my therapy session, I saw these really cute grey bunny slippers! It has a white bow with black polka dots on the bunny ears on both slippers ! I really love it :)

END Log - 10.02p.m.