lou and lenni kim14.sep.25 
Dear Diary,
Oh man. Where do I even start? Let's just say today was not a day at all because I woke up in the AFTERNOON. Dramatic much? Well, I woke up at 4p.m. and that was NOT my plan for today (my notion schedule is literally screaming at me rn...).
But anyway! I finally organised my neocities dashboard into folders (private, public, css, js, images) and man I had to recode the domain links for almost everything, and I still haven't recoded the domain links for public, but honestly, I don't really care for that.
Side note, I still feel so immensely stressed about replying to both of JuSTEMagine's emails. I really, really hate emailing, it's literally so stressful cuz tell me WHY I'm a 16 year old who's typing up "Best regards" and feeling like a 40 year old corporate worker with a midlife crisis and a 9-5 office job on minimum wage and their 5th cup of coffee of the day?! 
Also, I found this site with super cute emotes! Just look at these:
GYAHHHHH I LOVE THEM SM HEHE
Anyway! I got wayy sidetracked here lol. What I wanted to talk about was the dream I had yesterday night. Right when I felt that I was slowly regaining consciousness from sleep I immediately made a mental note in my head of the dream cuz I haven't had such an interesting dream in quite a while, and by that I mean with an actual plot. Right after I woke up, I wrote this summary:
- Flood, sleeping on water, man tells us not to fall too deep into sleep to stay afloat
- Kayshef likes me, cheng hei frustrated after telling “so many times” through hints
- Marine actuary
- Man teaching how to survive a hurricane and eventual flood by folding paper to create a sturdy lock and hooking a hammock on string
- English class lasting from 3 to 12pm because in between is a church class and me asking my English teacher if she wants to read a story I wrote and showing her doi but
If you're wondering why it's so chaotic, it's cuz, like I said, this was right after waking up, and both are practically universally synonymous by this point. Anyway, just to elaborate a little on each bullet point, I was working as a marine actuary (I'm not even sure if those exist in real life...), and I was living in the cabin by the water body I was studying, where a few other people resided, but particularly this old man who honestly gives grandpa vibes also stayed there and gave us all practical advice on how to survive by the seaside (wasn't sure if it was the sea, exactly, but some form of water body), and he also cooks breakfast for us!
Okay a little break from the dream dissection because WHAT DID I JUST WITNESS. kay I was suddenly tempted to go on youtube and listen to Ce Mur Qui Nous Separe live vers so I searched up "lou and lenni kim live" and guess what showed up... Lenni Kim's music channel. He's TWENTY THREE NOW?! But that's not even the crazy part, because I watched his latest music video, Things I Want out of curiosity, and the imagery is so provocative and dude the ACTING. The PERFORMANCE. Pure cinema. Also, who hurt him??? Literally how does one go from singing the SWEETEST love songs in history to the most painful breakup songs ever??? And can we talk about cmqns live vers because DUDE. The performance chemistry, HIS SMILE, Lou's RAP. It's SO GOOD, I'm not even kidding.
I've been listening to Things I Want on repeat. I also listened to melancholie, also by him! ALso, really random, but I looked at his music releases and there was a ~3 year gap between the last time he released music vs his latest, so that made me think, "huh, maybe something happened to him, he hasn't been on miraculous either..." I mean, not that it really matters to me, but I definitely got a newfound nterest in this artist, so I googled "what happened to lenni kim" which led me to this reddit post on r/miraculous of someone asking why he wasn't singing the awakening movie's songs and whether he's missing from the music scene, and one of the replies had this article linked, about him going through depression and an existential crisis at 16.
I'm fine, doing better than you.
^ from Things I Want
I don't know man, I felt so sad when I read that article. It's not even like I'm a real big fan of his (I literally JUST found his latest music...), so call this parasocial empathy or whatever, but especially the article's title:
"J'allais aux toilettes et je me mettais à pleurer"
translating to:
"I would go to the bathroom and start crying"
Do you even realise how heartbreaking that is? In the middle of a normal day, you can't even break even while breaking anyway, and to the point where you can't take it anymore, you still need to minimise, contort your pain into something manageable so you can resume said normal day with that charismatic smile everyone knows you for. Honestly, the article title, using his quote, also sounds like they're trying to milk a reaction out of the audience and to show that they're "pro-humanity", which completely misses the most fundamental truth:
A human being is hurting.
And that honestly hurts me more than anything. But side note Lou is literally so cute :( and Lenni Kim's fav music artist is THE WEEKND? Bro I was NOT expecting that. Also, he's SO FLUENT in English?? Man that level of biligualness...
Omg it's raining...also am I dreaming?? Bro guss what's framed in the background of this interview: Asuto, from Inazuma Eleven Ares/Orion. INAZUMA ELEVEN. Bro I literally LOVE that anime but it's so obscure even in JP media these days you can imagine my shock seeing it in FR media!
From the interview, I got curious because they were discussing how important the message was in Lenni Kim's first single, about suicide prevention, so I looked it up and found Pourquoi tout perdre, which directly translates to Why Lose Everything, and bro I was actually crying as I watched the mv. I really do create pain for myself. But he released it at 14. Why did no one think to check in on this 14 year old who wrote a detailed song on how suicidal ideation feels like in your head? How did no one stop to think, "maybe he's not alright", and help?
« Papa, Maman, jour après jour, j’ai cette idée coincée en tête. Cette idée qui me fait remettre beaucoup de choses en question : mes amis, ma famille, mon passé, mon futur... Cette idée qui pourrait m’aider à échapper de tous mes problèmes, de tout ce que je pourrais devenir et de tout ce que je deviendrai jamais. Cette idée que certaines personnes envisagent et d’autres n’envisageront jamais. Cette idée de m’enlever la vie. »
^ from Pourquoi tout perdre
I honestly feel really bad about today. I found good music, so that’s good, but my IGCSEs are so close, and I’m here watching music artists? I’m going to continue doing add math trigonometry, integration, permutation n combi and kinematics tonight. It’s 2.06a.m. but I’m honestly not tired.
START Log - 4.11a.m.
Okay UPDATE: I did about 19 questions of integration in 35 minutes, then dissected the use of definite integrals to find area under graph, particularly area above x-axis (+area) and below (-area). I did kind of discover that definite integrals are signed when I did a past year topical question earlier last month, and honestly for area bounded by a line/curve and using integration to find it, this topic, when we learnt it in class, came so intuitive and fast for me I actually didn't bother reading the texbook / slides because I could already solve every problem (oops), so that resulted in this info of +area and -area being omitted. Here's a quick summary I did earlier, to make sense of it, with the example of a cosine graph:
Anyway, I'm honestly starting to feel a little tired now. I have this urge to fill up my private blog with more posts though, so I'll probably do that first. And I also have this idea of compiling lecture videos or any other important video into my custom html "video browser" kind of thing, using a similar framework to my blog and digidiary archives (tag system), but I'm still working out the roadmap in my mind. Technically I can use the iframe tag for each video, but we'll see...
OK! I added new blog posts! Now I'm going to SLEEP. GOODNIGHT! ♡