6 hours11.sep.25
Dear Diary,
Hey, it’s a good day!
I did my math and stayed awake!
It’s not like I could fall asleep anyway.
Too much, too late, just great,
Just great!
How is it the world spins
When you tell me I should die
Die, die, die!
There’s no reason to die!
That’s how you push my vice to stay alive.
Live, live, live!
There’s no true reason to live.
Can you please, can’t you see?
Can you hear me!
Why? Why? Why?
Won’t someone tell me why!
The reason doesn’t matter.
But it feels nice
Just to hold close to my heart
And hear it whisper all the lies
I thought never could be bought.
You know just now, I called my mom 22 times, for 30 minutes straight. After that I thought, this would be a great time to kill myself if I only had the means, but the pills are in the other room, my bedroom window leads to the roof but the roof is too low to be fatal, and I don’t have my preferred option of helium suffocation. I thought, missed calls are exactly how suicide scenes are set up, how the one who eventually dies makes a last desperate attempt for life.
I don’t know. After I cried for an hour I picked up my guitar and started singing incoherently. It was transposed up a few frets, and I played G-D-Em-C with an Am-Am7 bridge. I started crying in the middle of it.
It’s 3.54a.m. right now. I’m afraid to sleep.
I’m scared they’re in my room because I have a Starbucks drink I finished but haven’t thrown out for a few hours now, and I heard lizards tongue clicking, but I don’t know if it’s from outside and I’m scared.
Nothing is in my room right? I’m safe right?
I don’t want to sleep. I’m scared.
I’m sad about it, because I woke up at 7am today and I was happy about it because I thought I could finally flip back my sleep schedule.
And im really mad at myself too. I did the kancil science competition, I’m 16, and im mad because I thought I would get a gold medal. I checked my score individually and I got a 26/30. It was a pre u level test with a lot I haven’t learnt before, but I’m still mad at myself. I used mostly my scientific/logical thinking/intuition and it’s just not enough. I really wanted a gold medal. And the bullshit people would give me if I tel them I got an honorary mention is that it’s better than a cert of participation, but everyone else who participated from my school got honorary mentions too when I’m sure my score is higher than all of theirs because after the test, we cross checked our results. I’m angry I’m really disappointed and sad really and this shouldn’t matter that much because it’s just a stupid competition anyway but I love science and math and I really want to make it to the imo and ipho.
And I’m also really scared and mad at myself and disappointed because I really want to go to school tomorrow but it starts at 9 and as you can imagine it’s currently 4am and I’m afraid to sleep so if hypothetically I overcame the fear and slept now I wouldn’t be able to wake up in time for the robotics event I want to attend tomorrow which starts at 9 and ends at 12-ish and even if I didn’t sleep or could wake up on time I probably wouldn’t be able to get out of bed or shower in time because of how intensely long my showers always are (1-2hours) and even if I could make it through all of that, I don’t want to leave my room and I don’t want to put on my school uniform because honestly I’ve just been going on occasional 2-3km runs, maybe 4 times per week which is 3 days short of my baseline and I usually pair it with daily 10km HIIT but I haven’t been doing that lately and honestly I feel really insecure about how I look and the fact that I haven’t been in school for 3 months means every little change in my appearance is going to be very prominent to my classmates so I have to clear my skin and workout intensely before the next time I see them and honestly I’ve only been eating breakfast and dinner and a Starbucks drink every day basically the same thing every day but I still feel like it’s too much and I don’t want to eat at all but then man this shouldn’t even matter at all but it matters to me and I’m scared also partly because my form teacher took out my files and folders from my shelf in school that I haven’t tended to in the 3 months I’ve been gone and also my past year papers worth around ~rm200 and she’s threatening to throw them by 3.30p.m. tomorrow and I’m just so fucking stressed I need to get my books back but I don’t want to go to school but god I just want to leave.
What if she calls me codependent again and blames my “deteriorating mental health” on her “lack of strictness as a parent and fostering unnecessary codependency in her child and so everything her child is dealing with is her fault but she’s changing her ways so she’s the good parent and everyone can see that she’s trying so hard to be a good mom”? Am I being too unreasonable and demanding? Maybe her whole codependency framing is indirectly gaslighting me into thinking it’s wrong to seek others.
I just want to die that’s so silly but it’s so easy.
I’m crying
I’ve been crying for 6 hours
Bro you know when my therapist asked me two weeks ago if I allow myself to cry when I’m alone and I said yes and he asked if I feel relief after and I said no and he asked if there was ever a time where I cried and didn’t stop myself and I said if I didn’t stop myself it wouldn’t end—6 hours. Proof.
I’ve been crying for 6 hours today. But what about the 1 hour yesterday? The 2 hours the day before?
I don’t want to live.